then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
