i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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