My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
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My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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