he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
