Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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