hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
