the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
