sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.