I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.