I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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