So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
