I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
