If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
