I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
