my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
