When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
