textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
