I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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