i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
