everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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