I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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