so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
