Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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