morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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