Please, let me fuck your mom
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
