I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
