im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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