he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
