Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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