you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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