Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
