your room smells of hookers.
And success
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
