If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
