I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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