i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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