Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
