I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
it's like heaven, but drunker
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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