Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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