im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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