the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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