they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
