idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
