Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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