i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Randomize
