walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You're breaking my sexual little heart