Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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