yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
