There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
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This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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