the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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