o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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