is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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