The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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