Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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