...so i touched it.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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