Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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