The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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