I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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