I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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