At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
