So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
