The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
