In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've created a new STD.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize